Saints and Sinners

On Testimonial day at OHI an ageing rock n roller from Las Vegas announced he just got the all clear from stage 4 cancer after a 17 week stint here on this strict calorie restricted diet. He lost 100lbs and looked in great shape. Impressive. I also met Peg, one of the facilitators here, who also cured her stage 4 cancer. She was very inspiring and encouraging. Both had been told they would die, both lay major claim in the wheatgrass. This is a place where miracles can happen. I am now on this quest to understand the circumstances that allows the body heal itself from illnesses that have been written off by the medical establishment.

There is nothing written in the OPI literature about healing cancer. That keeps them within the law. A law that states that one can only claim to cure cancer with surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. It is the same in the UK. OPI give no promises. But they are committed to helping you get well if you are willing to do your part. They show you the tools then the hard work is up to oneself. I have learnt to heal fully the main key is to get the mind, body and spirit back in harmony as if you are sick then it is definitely out of sync.

Ever wondered what that connection really means in it’s entirety? I am trying to unravel it. I will be the first to admit that I used to be rather shallow, my old life was mostly about having fun, working hard and making money. I have always believed in energy but my spiritual side wasn’t being nurtured. I think most of us go through our lives with them in harmony without even really knowing it. Then a life trauma comes along and rocks your world like death of a loved one, job loss, illness or such. My father’s death and family feuds over 11 years ago sent me out of balance. I have not managed to heal it. It is how we deal with these life traumas that sets the future. I am being helped by many people here to get to that place. Until these emotions are in check and my mind, body and spirit are back in harmony then the body cannot reach the high PH needed to kick into healing mode. Attachment to negative feelings make the body acidic. I still have some forgiving to do and have had to go right back through my life. This is no easy task. Once I am in a calm place then my healing will begin fully.

The East is well versed in this philosophy. Here in the West when ill they only treat the body and ignore the mind and body connection. If your mind is troubled they want to throw drugs at it which rarely sorts out the real issues and only puts a lid on things. We use busyness to dampen the feelings when what you really should be doing is going deep inside to resolve the real issues. Epigenetic’s is now showing that the cells will do what the mind tells them too. Remember the old saying ‘Be careful what you think because you just might get it’. Be warned. I believe less and less of us have this connection but we are now becoming more aware. I maybe wrong.

I am now in the 5th week of detoxing and it has been extremely severe. It has been hard to focus this week till now so I took it all in my stride and went with it. They use calorie restriction to bring the detox on fully and give the digestive system a rest so the body can use its energy for healing. Emotions that have been stored in body rise to the surface, which can be rather dramatic. It is all part of the process. To start the healing one has to try step outside of one self and take each event or person that comes up separately, feel the emotions fully, look at it without getting the mind too involved, say what you need to say then let it pass. Some of the difficult ones stick with you and bog you down. Crying is the best release. There is a weekly release ceremony where we burn the things that no longer serves us. It is a very powerful exercise.

I have been counselled by a Priest here. His parents founded this place. He used to be an international banker so has seen it all. He is an extremely kind man who throws no judgements on me or my faith. But you do need to believe in some kind of higher power to get the spiritual element to work. He is one of the kindest person I have ever met who doesn’t want anything back from me, not even money. Rare to find this unselfish giving. He said I am suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Most people with a cancer diagnosis suffer it to some degree or other but throw in the other problems I had of homelessness, bankruptcy, eviction and all the drama that went with it and you will have a toxic mix of emotions. The fight or flight response was in constant motion for so long that adrenalin fatigue set in and it eventually shut down and stopped working on the days I couldn’t get out of bed. I still awaken depressed, most days I successfully shake it off and get on with my day but the next morning there it is and I have to go through it again. It’s like groundhog day. He is helping me work through it all.

I have had my free 3rd week authorised. My scholarship has been funded by a 30 year old man who frequents every once in a while. I am touched a stranger can be so generous. I am writing a thank you to express how much it has helped me. I am utterly grateful and blessed that I have been surrounded recently with so many people who have helped me in one way or another. What a lucky girl I am.

I had a personal let down yesterday that upset me terribly. I felt rejected. It triggered some old hurts from when I was first diagnosed and told a few friends. Most of them ran away! It was such a bad experience that I stopped telling people and held it inside. Most people with cancer say they received incredible support. It isn’t always that way. My penance for being a party girl I suppose. Anyway it felt like it was happening again and my thoughts became consumed with doubt. My FB page has also gone embarrassingly quiet since I announced it. Not a good sign. I don’t get many comments on my blog, apart from a small handful of closest friends. I realise that most people have busy lives but Peg said I need a strong support network, do I have one? Is anyone out there reading this? Am I boring? depressing I suppose. Shit. I wish my reality was different.

All these thoughts got me into a state and my resolve was tested and I failed. Miss Self-Destruct reared her head. An opportunity to go off campus came along and I went with it. While my partner in crime got stuck into some chicken, I had a glass of scummy red wine with a few sweet potato chips, then a yummy sweet cocktail with a chocolate desert. It was heaven. I got back to my room and decided that bulimia was probably best course so stuck my fingers down my throat and threw the gunge up. Hopefully will have got away with it and not fed my cancer and not put any weight on. Better not make it a regular habit! This is the first time that I have ever doubted myself. I still have a way to go with loving myself and accepting things as they are. If people around me aren’t supportive then it makes it doubly hard. Does this mean I will never fall off the wagon. No. But the most important thing if I do is to enjoy it and climb right on back on. I am human and fallible. The weird thing is that I feel cleansed and really happy today. Good old purge I suppose!

I feel I will need to start my counselling session with ‘Forgive me father for I have sinned’.

Love and Healing.

Sonia

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20 thoughts on “Saints and Sinners

  1. Hi Sonia u r doing fantastic keep up the good work I am sure u will find majority of your friends will support u it’s just some won’t know how u may have to ask for help. Also some people panic when someone is ill and stay clear not because they don’t care but because they r frightened keep up the good work. Your blog makes interesting reading could this not be part of the book u always wanted to write. I am sure many are reading it but don’t know how to respond. Take care
    Love u

  2. Hey Sonia,
    I’ve been reading your blogs too my darling, and just realised I could leave you a message here. Sorry to hear you have felt people aren’t reading these, we definitely are! You have done a great job writing, it’s very honest, be proud of yourself for sharing your innermost thoughts like this. You will have the odd blip everyone does, but you’re right to climb back on the healing wagon and keep going. You are a very popular and well loved person, I hope you realise this now and it helps with your journey to health. I look forward to seeing you on your return to London and share a lovely healthy green veggie drink with you. Very best wishes and much love and kisses xoxoxo

  3. Hi Sonia, don’t you worry now, I think everyone who receives your blog reads it but perhaps like you say does not have the time to reply and some may not be great writers, I like to write so its easy for me…. Some prefer face to face. I think alot of people also fear cancer because it is so common and anyone can get it; young, old, healthy, unhealthy. Your blogs are a real insight into what a person goes through when they are fighting to get better.. So much of it is mental and I think you are really exploring that with going back over your life which like you say is incredibly tough, but you know what? You are doing it and most people run away from it. In fact most people run away from alot of the things you are showing the courage to do. You are already on the right path even if it feels some days you have so much more to do. You are on that path Sonia. By letting people know how you are doing and what you are doing is a helpful lesson to us all. Your honesty is refreshing and comes from a loving soul. Hopefully we can all take away your knowledge on medicines and healthcare etc so we can apply that to our lives or people we know who may need our advice or help at some point. Don’t let one day of eating chocolate and drinking a glass of red wine make you feel crap, bloody hell you have done SO SO well to refrain. These things happen but you’re back on track and hopefully you can see that the personal let down was just a blip. I’ve only met you two handfuls of times, but of those times I knew you to be kind, generous, loving and i got the overidding sense that you are certainly someone who would help anyone out at any time any place. You always listened to people and gave sound advice. You are bubbly, fun and now we also know you are extraordinary! Brave courageous and extremely bright! That’s why you are doing what you are doing. Soph and I are thinking of you and sending our best wishes! Hope the next week is good to you xxxxx

  4. Don’t despair hun, we are all still here with as much support as ever and always will be!! Don’t be too hard on yourself either what you have done in the last 5 weeks sounds incredibly hard and i think a wobble is to be expected! The blogs make great reading and by the way Sonia and boring def don’t go together haha!!
    Stay Strong Sonia…. miss you xxxx

  5. Hello Sonia, you silly moo, how dare you care who is and who isn’t listening to you!! You are doing this for you ( and by the way you have some secret admirers). Your writing is so honest and heartfelt I cant help to be drawn into your daily detox, and its inspired me to take a little more care myself as one never knows what is lurking round that next corner. I cant forget that naughty girl who lured me to the pub at Penny Brhon, it was so much fun and I enjoyed your impish spirit so don’t deny yourself a tinsy wincy little bit of “normal” if your soul is crying out for it. You are a very inspiring woman, go all the way, Im for team Sonia xxx Debra xxx

  6. You do have a strong support network of friends Sonia Bonia – but I understand why might not ‘get’ that while you over there on your own. Just trust that we are all here for you and we are even having ‘How can we help Sonia?’ meeting next week. We weren’t going to tell you that but it sounds like you need to hear it right now.
    So pleased you have received a scholarship for your third week – what a lovely, kind man. Concentrate on those sorts of things and let the healing begin…….. xxxx

  7. Sonia, I read your blog and I think you are amazing. I have not commented before as I never usually do online, but if it helps you to know that people are reading your blogs and are inspired by your words then I shall speak up. Well done you, keep up the good work, wishing you the happy ever after you deserve xxx

  8. Hey hon what a warrior you are. I am amazed and proud how strong you have become facing everything that you are faced with, with courage and determination. I had to read this one twice your going through so much but every time you sound stronger though you may not feel it -Yeah life throws all sorts at us easy and hard ( dont believe in good and bad its just decisions we make at that time that are perfect at the time we make them – all part of our learning journey). We cannot feel great all the time the pits and dark moments are there for us to pick ourselves up and walk forward just as a child learns to walk falls picks itself up and aims to the nearest thing it can grab hold of – and so do we. Walking towards our nearest support. You know Sonia – you sound so low about how many of your friends are not there but how many are. Those that have believed in you enough to get you to these places where you are supported daily, your 3rd week by a stranger, everyone you meet there, those ‘few’ you speak of will also be here for you. now you know who your friends are but your best friend is you when you let her. And here its not how many friends you have supporting you its those few that stand by you. strength is not always in numbers but the quality. Just ask for what you need and you shall receive – you know thats true as its been happening all the way. Just as you think there is a brick wall around the corner a pleasant surprise it waiting for you. You are and always will be supported – just trust and be who you are. Cant wait to see you when your back for the next leg of your journey – count me in. you are such an inspiration xxx

  9. Not sinned, Just the Sonia spirit coming through, a brief relapse is natural.not failure …..keep going, you are doing great.xxxx
    Mandy xx

  10. Sonia my darling, I am reading ALL your blogs, as and when they appear. Can I say I’m enjoying them, well not really, of course not, given that it is a friend (albeit distant perhaps) who has cancer and is fighting for her life, however, your writing is wonderful, heartfelt, emotional and filled with passion, and the content and topics EXTREMELY interesting and close to home! Each time I sit down to read a new post I wish you were right here in front of me, it’s so interesting to me I want you in person, and I want you to know exactly HOW 100% I’m with you in this one! Everything you are doing is exactly as it should be. I always thought I was a strong person, yet when mum was diagnosed with cancer my brain simply shut down and I did none of this to help her, and I should have known better!!! You are showing such great strength AND courage! I’m sorry I have not posted replies or comments before, I have certainly always been thinking of you and listening/watching ! Keep it up angel, and keep believing!!! All my love and prayers xxxxx ask the universe and you will not be let down xxxx

  11. Hi Sonia, I don’t know you but have from time to time read your blog after finding your Facebook page. Things must be so tough for you right now with the detox and so forth, and as you said all these emotions rearing their ugly head, but know you’re not alone and even if people do not comment on your blog, they are reading it. From your Facebook page it seems there are people whom support you, even if it doesn’t seem a lot in the grand scheme of things, know you’re not alone and they’re supporting you, these are the people who matter. The people who left you should be ashamed to have abandoned you in your time of need, be strong and keep on believing you can beat this. I think you’e incredibly strong to keep fighting this and the amount of donations you received shows people are there supporting you, keep strong! X

  12. Hi Sonia, I have read each of your entries and it has been great to learn of how much you are healing and dealing with all that is going on. You musn’t feel disheartened, I am thinking of you often and know that so many others out there are too. Just look at all the support that has been given. As for the lapse, it happens, you have moved past it so just keep strong and keep up with all the healthiness and emotional growth that is helping you so much. I will be sure to comment more. Love you always xxxx

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